Thoughts on thoughts

I normally think and discuss with friends, or acquaintances, or anyone who will listen/speak. But owing to a bit of staying at home for the last few days, all ideas I get are forgotten before I get the chance to discuss them. This means no great discussions, and no additional ideas. Additional ideas are the ones I thrive on. Might as well call them derived or (mentally) copy-pasted ones :-)

Watching a few other bloggers, I decided to start writing a diary thingy. I got the content for my last post (movies and all) from around 2 days of diary entries on movies and video games. This post comes from a few more days of thought. I don't know how accurate it will feel, because it hasn't been tested with discussions, so to speak.

By the way, word for the day: maybe.

What exactly are thoughts?

Nothing in and of themselves. Thoughts are simply signals from the brain, to some body organ(s) or (for the purposes of this post) to itself.

Let us say there are two kinds of thoughts: voluntary and involuntary. Feeling hungry is involuntary, but actually getting up and cooking something requires voluntary thought. It is borderline voluntary, but it is voluntary in my opinion.

We human beings have been blessed with the ability to let our brains communicate with themselves. This means that instead of just eating, sleeping, excreting and otherwise surviving, we think about ourselves and our surroundings, both physical and in time.

That is not to say that it is only humans who think. Dogs and cats too feel things like affection and anger, but I do not think that they can think at our level.

Thoughts and our quality of life

How we evaluate the quality, or level of our lives depends on the kinds of thoughts that we have. Two people in the same situation might think drastically different things about themselves. A bank robber now in prison might think of his bad luck. Another bank robber in prison might consider himself lucky because at least he is alive. Not the best example, but hopefully good enough.

I had problems thinking about this before, but then I thought about so many people in rather developed countries who still face depression. They do not have any scarcity, but still feel unfulfilled.

How highly we think of ourselves and our situations depends on who or what we compare ourselves with. As a not-even-amateur actor, I can compare myself with a friend who simply cannot lie, or with the Amitabh Bacchan. In which case do you think I will be happier?

I am not forcing everyone to just stop thinking about improving and all, but that you will face disappointment if you want everything to be perfect. Especially when perfection means different things for different people. And no matter what we do, our lives are a work in progress all the time. 

The biggest curse

As I maybe mentioned before, we humans are thinking beings. As such, what we think matters a lot to us. So, the biggest curse anyone can have in this world is not being able to think what they want.

Looks like a silly statement, but it is true. We like to think of good things. We like to feel good. But a lot of times, reality tries to convince us otherwise. Maybe this is why ageing hurts. At 23, I definitely want to be a child. Or at least a teenager anyway :-)

When a poor, malnourished child is hungry, it hurts him/her because he/she would rather be playing or doing something else at least. When a handicapped person feels bad for not being able to play some sport, it is because they want to feel the rush and enjoyment of playing, not the helplessness of their condition.

Maybe this is why choice, or the what-if nature of our minds boggles us. Also, maybe this is why many doctors who deal with problems of the mind would rather have their patients stay as they are. 

The good part about the curse

I don't know what you think about it, but the best thing about being emotionally fucked up is knowing that someday you will be able to laugh at it. We all have had the time in our childhoods when we were sick, and thought we were gonna die. This has to happen because our minds can only see so far, like you can only see a few tens of metres ahead with the help of your car headlights at night. The silly part is, at times of crisis, it is foggy so your visibility gets greatly reduced.

Everyone has only one brain, and it has limited capacity, so it can only process so much information. When a lot of that information is emotional or otherwise disappointment, it becomes really hard to focus on the good parts or at least trying to improve the situation. Maybe this is why emotions like love and anger are said to make us weak, or at least distracted.

Needless to say, having a clear mind is one of the best feelings in the world. Thinking that one has everything and needs nothing more, at least in the current moment is a state of mind that we should get more and more into. The question is, how? The answer eludes us. Too damn bad.

The need for constant (positive) reinforcement

Since we live in the real world^TM, it is obvious we come across more bad than good, or at least more superficial/needless than useful. And since our minds are nothing but reflections of what we see and feel, it is obvious that we tend to focus more on the bad than the good.

Instead of keeping up with this vicious cycle, I think it is better to constantly remind ourselves about the good in our lives. No matter what it is. The local team winning a game, a friend's phone call after a few months, or the neighbor who always smiles. 

In addition, it is also great to visualize things from a positive perspective. Thankfully, this is a situation in which the Anna Karenina principle is useful. You can fuck up a presentation or meeting in infinite ways, but the way to get it right, at least while visualizing is to believe in yourself and think that you are going to do it with confidence and grace, or whatever it is that these silly MBA-types do.

Maybe this is why sportspersons and performing artists and military people practice so much. After doing something over and over and over and over again, it kind of becomes second nature, that is, implied reinforcement in the belief that you are going to pull it off no matter what.

Not only ourselves, but we need and get reinforcement from others too. In fact, I will go as far as saying that positive reinforcement and the need for it is what makes us social beings. In most of the world's cultures, young people are supposed to seek blessings from elders. In a way, this is just a way of letting the elder and more experienced person reinforcing in you the fact that what you are doing is right in their opinion.

Another kind of reinforcement

I read somewhere about it being customary in the British army to tell new recruits to keep a watch on their seniors, and select one senior without telling anyone who that is. Then, whenever in a real time situation involving a decision and clueless-ness at the same time, the new recruit has to think what his/her favorite senior would do and the end result is more likely to be better.

Maybe this is why young people are encouraged to pick role models, and perspective role models, like movie stars and sportspersons are encouraged to keep their shit together. My personal opinion is kind of different, because I do not have a role model as such, and I think most people don't. Also, maybe this is why we believe in God. God is a kind of inbuilt good/bad filter for out thoughts and actions. I am not a non-believer, but I think this is the relevance of God in our lives. 

This kind of thinking, that is, thinking what someone else would do in certain situations can save your life, and more importantly, save your mind. I can't give any examples right now, but suffice it to say that whenever faced with an unknown situation, the best thing shy of being able to ask someone for help/guidance is thinking what they would do if they were in our place.

Spread it all around

The thing about all good things is that they normally increase when spread. This positive reinforcement crap is no different. Just like commenting on other people's blogs and then watching new, mostly encouraging comments on yours.

So, next time you get the chance, make sure you compliment your family members, neighbors, coworkers, the next person in the train. Ok, maybe not the next person in the train.

One more thing I would add is that you crying over your situation only makes you look silly. People are not interested in some idiot who just laments about life. One way around it is to focus only on the good parts, but another, way better way is to have a laugh at your situation. Have you read Jon Varga's blog? Or John Gray's blog? A few days back, Gray made his scerlosis problem seem funny. So funny that I initially thought it was a kind of joke. If you cannot do that, then at least try looking and narrating it from a third person perspective.

Taking the edge off

What is it that makes us feel pressure whenever we start something? Most would call it a fear of failure. What is this fear thingy? It is nothing but our insecurity regarding losing something that we have. That something is normally our self-esteem or pride (or the fear of letting someone down), and sometimes something physical like money or some bonus or a raise. Mostly, these two things are linked because, for example, people realize their self worth only in proportion to their performance at a silly office.

Assuming that you have nothing to lose really takes the edge off. Or, in most real situations, thinking what is the worst that can happen, can work wonders too. Our fears are mostly amplified versions of the worst of the results of the permutations-and-combinations games that our brains play. Thankfully, around 99.999999% of people reading this are not bomb squad specialists :-)

The best part of having a nothing-to-lose mentality is that it makes you less vulnerable to your self-imposed limitations.

Sayonara

This is all for today. Hope it was worth the read.

Do you have any thoughts on thoughts?

Whats worth what

As a soon gonnabe 23 year old who wants to further their career, there are a few things I would love to remind myself all the time. Here they are:

1. There is no hard work, only small goals. The more I am experiencing life, the more this resonates with me. The only way to keep at something is to divide it into smaller things and do them one at a time. Like with making small points in this blog post and writing them one at a time.
2. If you are working too hard, something is wrong. Maybe you are only looking at the big picture, forgetting the nitty gritty details. Or maybe you are working too much or too hard on a small goal. For example, in a test worth 100 marks, no matter how much or how good you try attempting a 5-marks question, the most you will get is 5 marks. And most probably you are missing out on time and mental capacity for the other 95 marks.
3. If you are not enjoying what you are doing, try taking a break. In computer programming, there is the more-psychological-than-real problem called just 5 more minutes. Can't find the error/bug, no matter, I'll just have it by the next 5 minutes. And you are still banging your head after 2 hours! Not because you are an idiot, but because you have spent not one but many 5-minute cycles. Try taking a walk, chatting to a friend, reading something (preferably not on the web, lol) or anything else that is different from what you are doing, but is not addictive enough to make you forget what you were doing.
4. If you are still not enjoying what you are doing, is it worth doing? Worth a bit of introspection. Many times, it is our subconscious telling us about something else that we should be doing. The mind thinks in infinite terms, while there is only so much that a person can do. Mostly not enjoying what one is doing comes with that particular thing not being in sync with the big picture. 
5. If you don't have a big picture, you have bigger problems. Because you are letting yourself be tossed around by your job, other people or just life. Slacking or not doing anything (except when on a break) is an example of being tossed around by your own laziness.
6. The world does not care, and that is a good thing. Some people think positively, the world wants me to succeed. Others, not so much, the world wants me to fail. In truth, the world just does not care. What matters is what you think and do together. Only thinking/doing as individual acts are not good enough.
7. Always remember what AI is at the most basic level. (1) Doing something systematic, and (2) making progress towards your aim, in no matter how small amounts, will get you somewhere. Just keep at it.
8. Make sure there is only wheat, no chaff. Do I really need to remember the lyrics for every song I have heard till now? Only if I am going to play antakshari. Other than that, it is just bullshit taking space (as in a hard drive) in my mind. Do I need to remember what that girl told me about politics in her office? Should I be thinking about how hard it is to be an international level athlete, when I have to read about the stock market and invest? (From what I've heard, stock market people need to make really thought out and well informed decisions or risk losses)
9. Don't underestimate the value of human contact, and don't overestimate it. Talking to a friend about some issue you are facing, even though they do not know even a bit about it, always helps. Talking to strangers about themselves helps even more (personal experience). But making sure that the talking/meeting/chatting/mailing etc. does not take you off your focus is also important. Maybe talking to a college crush in time of disappoint is not the best thing.
10. Know your triggers, both ways. For example, if you are a good cook and promise me something, I will do anything for you. But, if I have some good, tasty food lying around and need to do something just now... let us say it is not gonna happen.
11. Try to keep your dependencies to a minimum. If it needs loud verbal encouragement from your coach to just stay in the fight, maybe you don't like amateur wrestling as much as you think. If you need to ask permission before doing the smallest of things, maybe this company is not worth it. If you need to look out for your roommate agreement before everything, maybe you should rent a room for yourself.
12. Fake it till you make it. Amy Cuddy Zindabad! And not only in terms of power poses. Thinking that you can do something before trying can make the difference between actually being able to do it and failing. Faith can move mountains.

SSC CGL 2012 Interview

I have not written anything in a long time. This seems weird.

Anyways, it is 20th December, and I must say: Happy Birthday Neeru Masi!

I had my SSC CGL Interview today at Chandigarh, and thought would write about it since
1. It went better than I expected, and
2. I could not find a lot of those from other candidates.

So me and my friend Pankaj Beniwal had our interviews together, same day same time. I guess it saved us both a lot of boredom and awkwardness (thanks, spell check!), though talking to other candidates is good too. Feels nice to meet others just like you. And not to mention the variety  of people, in almost every sense of the word.

Pankaj knows about the almost. In other words, great if you are girl and want guys hitting on you. :)

Preliminaries
We reached the Central Govt. Offices in Sector-9, Chandigarh at around 8:25 am.After signing the attendance etc., we just sat around the last seats for about an hour (that passed in about 5 minutes cause we are friends from college). Then an official came and started instructing us. On paying attention we found that the instructions  were nothing but a repetition of the documents that we were required to bring. We did not have photocopies of our identity forms, and had to get it done at their office photocopying machine.

After that we came back and waited till another hour or two before we were called for document verification. In the meantime, people were being called for their interview.

It was time spent having half-philosophical, half-jackass-ish discussions, and no attention whatsoever to what might be asked in the interview itself.

Interview
It must be around 11:15 am, when an official came and summoned Pankaj for his interview. I just told him to go there and give em hell.

Then I started talking to a Sikh gentleman who was originally from Muktsar, who turned out to be working in the Ministry of Labour, and I must say I enjoyed it. We talked about the work that he did, and the highlight was why he could not get his department to provide leave to him.

Then Pankaj came back. He told that the interviewers were asking about recent news and football and some other things. Way to kill a mood.

We all talked for some more time. Then I was summoned.

The waiting
I went in, and was greeted by another candidate, who had another panel. And much like a cricket test match, his panel had been on tea-break since the last hour.

We chatted for a few minutes, and then a bell rang and I was called for interview.

The actual interview
Ok. So I went inside, and there was a small room. Like the Matrix trilogy, this room had 2 more doors at the end, and I was told to go inside the one at the left.

As I entered, I was greeted by a 3-member panel, consisting of 2 Sikh gentlemen, one a bit old (M1), and the other in his late 30s/early 40s (M3). The third member was a lady (M2).

I wished them good morning, even though it was past noon, or almost noon. Whatever.

The older Sikh gentleman, sitting in the middle started the interview. For the most part (70-80%), the interview was in Hindi. Jai Hind! (Bad parts in italics)



M1: So, Kaushal ji, why are you leaving your current job? Is it not a good job?
Me: Sir, I have already been selected in FCI...

M1: F-what?
Me: Sir, Food Corporation Of India.

M1: So you think this job (meaning the current interview) is better than that?
Me: Yes, sir.

M1: So, Karunesh ji, aap newspaper to read karte he honge? Aur zahir hai TV bhi dekhte honge?
Me: Yes sir.

M1: So tell me what do you watch on TV?
Me: Sir, I watch football on weekends.

M1: Do you watch something else too?
Me: Yes, sir. Sometimes when I am free, I like to watch movies on TV.

M1: So tell me about the latest movie that you watched.
Me: Sir, Screamers.

M1: Ok. Who is your favorite actor?
Me: Sir, I do not have a favorite actor as such. 

M1: How is this possible? There must be one.
Me: Ok sir. It is Shah Rukh Khan.

M1: And there must be a favorite actress.
Me: Let me think sir. It is Preity Zinta.

[THANK GOD they did not ask why I liked these guys] 

M1: Why is she not coming in too many movies now-a-days?
Me: Sir, I do not know. [He smiled] I add: Sir, unhone mujhe to nahi bataya! :)

[All laugh]

M1: Karunesh ji, tell me the number of states in India which have female Chief Ministers.
Me: [Confidently] Sir, 3.

M1: Ok. Tell me the states.
Me: Sir, firstly Tamil Nadu, and Ms. Jayalalitha.

M1: Correct. And?
Me: Sir, UP, and Ms. Mayawati.

M1: No. She was.
Me: Ok sir. In that case sir, my other state is also wrong. Ms. Raje was the Chief Minister of Rajasthan.

M1: Yes. Who is the current CM of Rajasthan?
Me: Sir, it is Mr. Ashok Geholt.

M1: Ok. Now go to the east of  India. Can you remember something?
Me: Yes, sir. Ms. Mamata Bannerjee is the CM of West Bangal.

M1: Ok. Now come back. Near UP.
Me: Yes, sir. Ms. Shiela Dixit is the CM of New Delhi.

M1: Good. So, Karunesh ji, can you tell me a few things about what is happening in the world right now?
Me: Yes sir. Currently I can think of 2-3 things. First of all, there is the problem in Nepal.

M1: Yes.
Me: Sir, the problem is that they had created a Constitutional Assembly, and they had set a deadline for its working. The problem is that it could not complete the constitution in the stipulated time, and there was no provision in the Assembly's work or otherwise that could guide the way the work could further go forward. [Thanks Pankaj!]. Therefore, the different parties are not able to arrive at an "ekmat" (love Hindi) at the moment, and hence the chaos.
           Then sir, North Koreans just tested what was meant to be a nuclear capable missile launcher with a weather satellite. [He nods]. And elections in Japan have resulted in the winning of Mr. Shinzo Abe led Liberal Democratic Party. He will most likely be the new Prime Minister, and he was also the Prime Minister in 2007.

M1: [Nodding] There has also been an incidence in America [implying USA].
Me: Yes, sir. Near the city of Connecticut [Nod], there has been an incident involving the shooting of 27 people, 20 of whom were children.

M1: Good. So, you watch football. Who is your favorite footballer?
Me: Sir, I love watching Jonas Gutierrez play. He plays for Argentina, and played in the 2010 World Cup. Also, he plays for Newcastle United in the Barclays Premier League.

M1: All right. You like John Gutierro.. and he plays for Newcassa United...[at least he tried]. Have you heard about Thierry Henry?
Me: Yes, sir. He was a very good French striker. In his best days, he played for Arsenal and Barcelona.

M1: Who is your favorite Indian footballer?
Me: [I really did not know what to say I started mumbling].

M1: There is Jarnail Singh, ___ ___ ___ ( a few Bengali names).. 
Me: [Still clueless]

M1: Ok. Who was the captain at the time we won the Asian Games Football Gold in 1962?
Me: I am sorry sir, I do not know. [I should have known]

M1: No worries, it was ___ (Bengali name)
Me: Ok sir. [I feel ashamed that after only 6-7 hours I have forgotton]

M1: [nodding towards M2] You can ask, mam.

M2: What is a barometer:
Me: Mam, it is a device that tests air pressure.

M2: What is the unit of pressure:
Me: Mam, I do not know. [It was pascal. WTF?]

M2: What are endocrine glands?
Me: Mam, these are hormone-secreting glands that inject hormones directly into the blood supply, from where it acts at the target organs.

M2: Which organ produces Bile Juices?
Me: Its the liver, mam. [Thanks, jaundice in college!]

M2: What is insulin?
Me: Mam, it is a hormone produced in the pancreas. If the body is not able to synthesize it, the result is diabetes.

[M2 then asked 4-5 more questions, all of which I answered. Maybe except 1, but I do not think so]

... Then it was M3's turn. I do not remember the exact order of his questions.

M3: What are Pascal, Fortran and Cobol etc.?
Me: Sir, these are Computer Languages, rather programming languages.

M3: [Nodding] Are they used now?
Me: Sir, they are not used now for new projects. But there are a lot of legacy projects that make use of Cobol and Fortran. [I felt compelled to tell him about phone calls, ATMs etc., but decided in favour of being to-the-point]

M3: Have you heard about the recent Apple-Samsung controversy?
Me: Yes sir. Basically, Apple first created its iOS-based line of smartphones. Then Samsung also entered the smartphone market with products similar to Apple's, and I think both overstepped their boundaries. Samsung copied the look and feel of Apple's phones and Apple sued them for very minor things like having rounded corners in rectangular phone frames.

M3: What is Android?
Me: Sir, it is a smartphone operating system. The Samsung phones we were talking about just now run on Android.

M3: What is the latest version of Android?
Me: Sir, I do not remember the latest version.

M3: Do you remember any versions?
Me: Yes sir, there is Marmalade, Jelly Bean..Thats all I know sir.

M3: [Nodding] Ok.

M1: Ok, Karunesh ji, you may leave.

I pick my things, wish them, and come back.